I Love You.

Last year on New Years, I remember sitting on Kitty Held’s porch with some of my best friends, writing down our resolutions. Mine were easy; a year from that moment, be in a different place with new and different people. I guess it’s safe to say I accomplished that. I remember having so much hope that this year would be better. THIS would be the year. 

I 50% agree with that now. 

I started my year off getting sick, getting heartbroken, being miserable at work, having my first surgery, etc. But then when July came around, everything changed. I moved to Chicago. Got inspired again. Met new fabulous people. Started liking my job again. 

Right now, I’m experiencing my first winter and it’s beautiful. I’m not really where I want to be at work, and the challenge of roommates is always around. But I cannot even imagine where I would be if I had stayed in Florida. 

Holidays tend to put me straight in “depression central.” No one is ever happy during the holidays, especially in retail. So I decided to make a list of my favorite things of this year.

1. Thurston- I fall in love with this dog every day. He saved me, showed me that I am capable of love. 

2. My Mom- She is a complete angel, whom no matter what she is going through she will put everything down and help me ANYTIME I need it. I cannot wait to surprise her in January when I visit. 

3. My cat Bugg- What a funny dude. 

4. My computer- Going from a Powerbook G4 to a 27” iMac this year blew my mind. 

5. My friends- I’ve made some really amazing ones in Chicago, but it’s the ones back in Florida that have pieces of my heart. It kills me that I do not see their faces everyday like I used to. 

6. Eyeliner- I will forever be thankful for Mac Liquid Last liner in Point Black. It’s my one makeup ‘necessity’ every day.   

              I am, and always have been, obsessed with the 90’s.

Maybe it was growing up sitting by the radio, wishing I was at the first Woodstock revival. Or possibly the Walkman that was glued to my side, playing a taped cassette of songs I spent hours listening to the radio for. Growing up, the radio was all I had. I remember the first time MTV and videos came into my life: it was the summer of the No Doubt/Garbage explosion and I was in love. My most memorable Christmas was when my amazing mother bought me both Green Day’s Dookie and Nirvana’s Unplugged in New York, with matching shirts. My only role model in high school was Courtney Love. I remember the exact place and time I heard Kurt Cobain died. (7th grade class change, a boy named Stoney played “Come As You Are” and everyone was silent.) When I list my current favorite bands, 90% will be from that era. 

Put in some Smashing Pumpkins, and my heart starts literally beating faster. Favorite song ever- Hey Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms. Best movie ever: Hype.  Loudest band I’ve ever seen: Dinosaur Jr. Twice. I have a Sonic Youth tattoo. My dog’s name is Thurston.

This last summer was spent seeing the bands I had missed growing up. Pavement three times. Sonic Youth for the second time. Mission of Burma. Cap’n Jazz. Local H. I finally made it to the Metro a few days ago, 10 years to the day that The Smashing Pumpkins had their “farewell” show. Band playing: Superchunk. I couldn’t believe that exactly a decade before, I was working at Virgin Megastore, heartbroken that I wasn’t in the very room that I was standing in that night. 

Obsessed? Definitely. 

I’ve actually dug out a few of my favorite dresses from the 90’s lately, and acquired some new ones at amazing thrift stores here in Chicago. Some look like they are straight off Courtney’s back.  (Although a few are more Golden Girls than Kindercore, forcing me to invent a style I’ve named “Golden Grunge.”) Apparently the 90’s alternative look is “in”, and it’s one style I approve of. Considering it’s how I’ve dressed for years now…

Theres just something about that time. I’d rather listen to Possum Dixon than most new music now. it’s still impossible to listen to Hum’s “You’d Prefer An Astronaut” without wanting to start a band. So many monumental movies were made with amazing soundtracks. Examples: Reality Bites. Singles. Empire Records. Clueless.  

Moving up to Chicago, I was very proud of the 333 song 90’s playlist I had made, clocking in a little over 18 hours. A 90’s collection without any repeats the WHOLE WAY!! Unfortunately my driving partner was not as impressed. 

I’m convinced everyone is secretly in love the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows. 

Dear 90’s I miss and love you. 

        I am and always will be in love with Burt Reynolds.

I remember being younger and being mesmerized by the steady chewing of gum and the amazing laugh he has. Now that I’m older, I can appreciate the more mature things about him, like his skill of driving one handed while shotgunning beer with the other. From his pill-popping in Hooper to running from the law in Cannonball Run there is never a dull moment in his movies. The chemistry between him and Sally Field in every movie they were in together is something I have never experienced but hope to someday. 

I remember being young and my brother and sister-in-law took me to his dinner theater in Jupiter to see Annie Get Your Gun. I went there not because I was excited to see that play, but hoping to catch a glimpse of the man with the moustache that I so loved. Unfortunately I did not see him, but I did go home with one of my most prized possessions that I still have to this day: a shirt that plainly says on the front “I spent the night with Burt Reynolds” . I remember wearing that shirt senior year of high school almost every day. (That and my O’Darby’s Irish Creme Liquor shirt, which looking back I have no idea how I got away with it.) I meant to go back to Jupiter before I moved here to Chicago, to take a one day acting course that he is rumored to “pop in on” frequently but never made it. 

My mom was more of a Tom Selleck fan which used to make me mad. I always felt like he was just a cheap imitator. He just seemed like the “pretty boy” knockoff. No thank you.  I’d rather hang out with the beer drinking, fast driving, handsome Mr. Reynolds. 

In the past few years so many great actors and actresses have passed on, but I haven’t really felt anything for any of them. You can bet though the day Burt Reynolds drives his Trans-Am into the sky I will be a hot mess. Hopefully before that happens I will get to at least give him a high five. 

dallasclayton:

FIXED

I hope all my stolen bicycles
got ridden fast
and passed around often
had their best parts swapped out
and traded for drugs
that were used to write good songs
and have good young fun
like stealing bigger things
and crashing them into walls
and getting arrested on accident
and getting ratted out by a guy
who only days earlier
let you burn him with a cigarette lighter
because he said you were brothers for life.
 
I hope they found new homes
in abandoned warehouses
and darkened alleys
and were taken in by older men
who could no longer hold a license
were running from something
weren’t supposed to be here at all.
 
I hope those men took off on them
as far as they could get
before their old knees and old hearts gave in
and stranded them
some place they’d never been
and never thought they’d be
and they met someone there
at a store
on a dark road
who reminded them of a daughter
they hadn’t spoken to in some time
and they tried to call her
but the line was dead.
 
I hope the remains
were salvaged for scrap
by industrious someones
good with their hands
who saw promise in those old beasts
and roped them to a roof
and drove them through the rain
and into a converted garage
where they were stripped with gasoline
and fit with different pieces
from orphaned others
and made strangely better
spray painted a young child’s favorite color
and given as a gifts
from one person to another
the first gift they would ever get
that would teach them the value
of falling down
and getting back up again.

After reading Noise: A Collection of Stories Inspired by Sonic Youth, I started thinking about writing a non-fiction story about one of my strongest memories including them.. here is my attempt….

                Dirty Boots

 It was fall, and my love for Sonic Youth had just hit a high point. I was exposed to them later than everyone around me, but the second I heard “Experimental Jet Set”  I was hooked. I wanted to be Kim Gordon. I even bought the “Dirty” boxed vinyl set, and played it nonstop for months.

And then there was the disaster.

I had never been in love, and was desperate for it. the only love I had ever known was the much older boy I dated in high school, who was in jail for the majority of our relationship. i thought it was love, but it was actually just me not wanting to be alone. It’s the one thing Ive always wanted, but just cannot seem to find: someone to live life with. And in the summer of 2006, he appeared out of nowhere and turned my life upside down.

I had just started working as a waitress at a dinner theater. I did my job in the dark, bringing alcohol, food and checks to tables while independant movies were shown. Some weren’t exactly what you would call dinner flicks, the look on some of the viewers faces as someone was brutally tortured on film while trying to eat over priced food  was pretty amusing at times. It was there that I met him, a cook in the kitchen with a David Bowie tattoo, long hair, and gorgeous smile. A friendship was formed over talk of mutual acquaintences, day after day of doing the same thing started to become a little more enjoyable. I always saw him as unattainable, and even for our brief time together i was in disbelief. I remember the night he asked if I was doing anything after, and i eagerly jumped at the chance to spend any amount of time with him. After that night of bike riding and beer fueled adventures, we were together non-stop. We would wake up, go to work together, work an 8 hour shift, ride to his house and begin drinking or doing lines or some other ridiculous thing to pass the time. We both wanted to be strong bike riders, and were among the first in town who saw it as a passion, not just a hobby. Almost every night, while we were pregaming before our adventures, we would put on Dirty Boots, and we would grab his roomates instruments and pretend, that for that song, we were Sonic Youth. He was my Thurston Moore, and I was his Kim Gordon. Fueled by cocaine and cheap beer we would roll around on the floor, pretending to make that beautiful music coming out of those small speakers. It got us excited, amped up for the adventures that would lie ahead. 

Our time together lasted for three blissful months. We definately had our low points, a near overdose for him and me almost burning his house down with a gin-induced blaze. I never wanted it to end. We were only intimate once, and we only kissed when the drugs had overtaken our minds. But for some reason, I fell hard. It was all I wanted, and I was completely overcome with every feeling I had only seen in movies. 

One day, after leaving his car at my house for three days, he came over and picked it up. Not saying one word to me he just got in the car and left. I was pretty confused over the situation, it was followed by unanswered texts and no explination. He then suddenly turned on me at work, being heartbreakingly rude and talking about his new girlfriend who was “President of the UCF bike club yada yada yada..” I was completely devistated. I took it out on everyone around me, my roomate and good friend was lost in the heat of it all. I couldnt sleep. I refused to listen to The Smiths or David Bowie, because when I heard them I thought of waking up in his room on sunny mornings happy and feeling alive. But I refused to give up Sonic Youth. He could not have what was mine first. 

I lost that record in the breakup, one vinyl record out of the four in the set. But i kept his Kurt Cobain sweater. 

Over the years he has apologized, I have tried to fight her multiple times for taking the one thing I loved. They ended up staying together for a number of years, and their relationship was the talk of the town. When he broke my heart I remember hoping that she would do to him what he did to me, and she did. She also gave STD’s to most of the town too, which made me beyond happy even though it shouldnt have. 

We are now on speaking terms, but everytime I see him I still get the feeling I am going to throw up. He has gone deeper into his addiction, and he is not the same person who was my Thurston Moore. I dont think I will ever be 100% over him, but I can at least listen to Dirty Boots and remember that I am capable of love. 

Aka. A crash course.

1. I have a dog named thurston 2. I love riding bikes 3. I think bruises and scars are pretty 4. I like crooked teeth 5. I’m addicted to buffalo sauce 6. I only like cheap beer 7. My best friend forever is Emilie 8. I work for a company with a fruit for a logo 9. I have no patience 10. I grew up in okeechobee 11. I’ve made a shit-ton of mistakes, but I’ve done a lot of things right too. 12. My first job was at winn Dixie for a week until I got fired for dying my hair orange 13. I dropped out of high school but finished a year later 14. I graduated 4th (in my dropout prevention class of 4) 15. I am deathly afraid of snakes 16. I hate vegitables 17. I love nacho cheese 18. I am obsessed with 90’s music 19. I twitch when I sleep 20. I collect bandanas 21 I collect old concert shirts 22. I have over 30 pairs of leggings that I hardly ever wear 23. I am obsessive compulsive 24. I can’t save money 25. I bite my nails 26. I have fat fingers 27. I don’t own a car 28. I own a vespa 29. My longest relationship was almost 3 months 30. I am obsessed with redheads 31. I sew to relax 32. I love polaroids 33. My favorite color is seafoam green 34. I have no idea how many tattoos I have 35. I cuss a lot 36. I have a hard time sleeping without my pillow 37. I get stressed out very quick 38. I think getting in some arguments is fun 39. I get shy around people I like 40. I tell the truth more often than I should 41. If I feel like you are wasting my time, I will tell you 42. I think Jared Leto is perfect 43. I obsess over my handwriting 44. I want to be in a band but I’m too scared 45. I own a moog but don’t know how to play it 46. My mom is a teacher 47. I like bacon a lot 48. I used to pedicab 49. I drink too much 50. I’ve been to jail 51. I’ve been in two fights in my life 52. Ive never had hair past my shoulders 53. I won the school spelling bee in 5th grade 54. I wish I had longer eyelashes 55. I’m obsessed with eyeliner and have been using it since I read the Ronnie Spector book 5 years ago 56. I’m obsessed with pee wee herman 57. I’ve done every drug except heroin 58. I met Kim gordon 59. I took tap dancing lessons for 3 years but I really wanted to play piano 60. My favorite movie is amadeus 61. My favorite song is hey jealousy 62. I like animal prints 63. My dad died in 2003 64. My favorite holiday is new years 65. My birthday is the day after Christmas 66. I had a surprise birthday party when I was 6 and I cried the whole time 67. I grew up on a dirt road that didn’t get paved until the year before I graduated 68. I still cry when I drive past the street I grew up on 69. I hate change 70. I love riding on trains 71. I hate new York 72. I want to learn how to tattoo 73. I love my friends 74. I have two half brothers who are in their late 40’s 75. I have a half sister who is at least 50 76. The only family member I’m close to is my mom 77. I get sad a lot 78. I’m messy 79. I have bad vision 80. I am obsessed with documentaries 81. I rollerskated every Friday Saturday and Sunday for 4 years 82. I went through a “wigger” stage 83. I worked at a peaches, and later a virgin megastore 84. My favorite liquor is any flavored vodka 85. I’m starting to be able to drink whiskey 86. I’m moving in a month and a half and I’m scared to death 87. I have a hard time reading anything but bukowski 88. I’m part of Zbbc 89. I’m scared of heights 90. I own a tall bike but it’s scary to ride 91. I collect schwinn sting rays 92. I’ve placed 1St place girl in 2 local bike races and I won a scavenger hunt 93. I’ve gained 10 pounds this year 94. I hate swimming in lakes or rivers 95. I’m trying to like the beach 96. I sometimes think I should stop drinking but I’m scared I won’t have fun 97. I smoke cigarettes when I drink 98. I cant handle weed 99. I’ve never seen star wars 100. I hate lady gaga